How (not) to play the bass:

When doing spiccato, bounce your bow as high as possible – it’s impressive.
Count rests out loud, that way people know that you can count.
Don’t wait for the lower string tuning note. You’re better than that.
Be sure to snap the string when playing pizz – it adds a nice percussive sound to help the cellos and violas.
Talk whenever you want – you’re far enough back that you never bother anyone and the conductor can’t see you anyway.
Be 5 minutes late – the winds are tuning anyway so who cares?
Bombard the maestro with useless questions – you’ll seem like you really care about the ensemble.
Don’t practice – you want to be ‘fresh’ for the gig.
Befriend the tuba player so you can make fun of everyone else.
Leave your case right behind you. It will make leaving the gig quicker so you can get to the bar before the brass section.
Dynamics? Ha! You need everyone to hear the tempo – play loud!
Remember, pops concerts are 45 minutes of G – D then a run that’s impossible.
Don’t sweat all those excerpts in Beethoven. The cellos double you anyway.
Speaking of cellos, ignore their bowings. Hmmm… No really.
Don’t bother bringing a bow tie – someone always has an extra.
Talk during the gig – rock stars do.

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